Chapter 53 - The Long Dream Goodbye

One year has passed since I last visited these pages. A year of pain. A year of confusion. A year of death and a year of awakening. It was the longest year I have ever had. As much as I want to forget it, I know it was a blessing.

Paris, the life I led on your streets wasn't real. You are the perfect distraction to all that was wrong, but I still felt happy because you greeted me every step of the way with your food and your music and your wonderful parisiens... how can life not be wonderful with you in the background.

I was beaten. And still I smiled.

I was spat upon. And still I smiled.

I was abused, and misled, and hurt -so very hurt- and still I smiled.

I smiled because you are beautiful, and beauty will always triumph over darkness.

I want to damn you though. I want to blame you for your distractions, for surely I would have never let such things happen to me if I had been anywhere else - anywhere where my surroundings echoed the gloom and betrayal of my love instead of perfectly counteracting it. Or even supporting it, for how dark my parisian romance was...

It is silly so suggest this though. Perhaps you were my saving grace. Perhaps the man I knew would have crushed me in any place less beautiful. Perhaps I found my strength in your beauty, smiling when he thought I should cry. You might have made it both worse and better for me simultaneously.

I never asked you to get involved.

But you did. How could you not? You were everywhere.... You played as much a role in my life as I did in yours.

A bystander. A catalyst. A setting. An event. A friend. A spy. A soundtrack to my life. And home. Paris, you were once my everything.

And now I want to move on.

I must say good bye.

I must let go.

I just want to be happy without you tugging on the strings of my parisian memories... nothing can compete with nights on the seine, picnics on the champs, wines by the bottle, and the worries of those long lost days.... such highs... such lows... such everything in between.

It is because you're still my everything that this long-distance love affair must end. It is because I realize your charm that I recognize your seduction. You and him are one in the same, and I don't know why, but I cannot separate you. So together you must go.

I want to find my new Paris. The place of my dreams, not everyone else's. I want green pastures. I want sunshine and blue skies. I want tall grass, birds, and a private stone patio enclosed by stone cottages. I want to make carrot cake and smoke as I sip my wine. I want to harvest vegetables and pick fruits from my orchard. I want a family...  I need to reconnect with my husband. We've been married for almost four years now, and -somehow- he is still by my side.

Paris, you brought us together after you tore me apart. Is this what this time has been about? Me picking up the pieces? For four years now I have been tasting my own medicine, realizing my thoughtless behavior, hearing my uncaring words, staring at a stranger in the mirror. I changed while I was with you. And now, far from you, I lose context. I cannot bear this connection. I deserve more than this heavy parisian ball and chain.

So goodbye Paris. Your chapter is officially closed. For so long I longed to return to you, but now I can see the effect you have over me. I'll always cherish the memories and consider myself fortunate to have such strong ones, but as of today I'm setting my sights elsewhere. I'm not looking back anymore... Today I look ahead.

I see my family. I see sunshine. I see happiness.
It took this much to get me here.
That is alright with me.

Au revoir.

Non...

FIN

Chapter 52 - One

It was everything I had hoped it would be. New Years Eve was spent in Paris with loved ones and the year began with a smile. It was everything I had hoped it would be, and that is why I still sit here and miss you so.

Paris, we never say goodbye when we part ways. We never end each chapter. We simply let the story continue and everything in between is but an intermission. Why? How? To what end?

Am I doomed to be forever in half, with the only hope of being whole resting upon my return?

What holds me back from this union of myself?

What am I so fearful of?

Since when do I live in fear of potential regret?

Who am I becoming?

Who have I become?

Aide-moi, vite... S'il te plait...

Chapter 51 - 2012

They say that 2012 is a doomed year. They say that the poles will shift, the global economy will meet its demise, and that the world will end. For me, that's still better than what this last year has been. I have to believe that 2012 will be a good year. Being back in Paris will be a step in the right direction. It will do me good to be on those streets when I ring in the new year. 2012 may still bring loss, sadness and tears, but I feel that the worst is almost over now. Time to begin a new chapter. Time to begin anew. Paris, j'arrive!

Chapter 50 - Raison d'Etre

Who knew that a place could play as a large a role in someone's life as a loved one could. The absence of a loved one is a void in the heart. Paris, being away from you has rendered me empty in a space that I'm used to having filled. It's a lonely existence this lack of.. this lack of.. this lack of, Paris.

an aside to help a friend...

In an effort to help a friend reach a wider audience, I am posting a link here to her beautiful little bed and breakfast, Birchcliffe Bed & Breakfast. It's located in Hebden Bridge, a gorgeous little market town in West Yorkshire in northern England... If ever you find yourself in that neck of the woods, you should definitely look into staying there! Check it out: http://birchcliffebandb.co.uk

Chapter 49 - Who am I kidding?

Like a song you once loved and listened to again and again, or that favorite restaurant that served your one favorite dish, time can pass and make you forget but just a few notes in the distance or a whiff of something from down the street is all it takes for those memories to come rushing back, and the missing to set in. Paris, this is how I'm feeling tonight.

For months I have lived my life focused on here and now. My thoughts have been restricted to local postcodes and the food I eat isn't spelled with any accents or cedilles. Paris, tu me manques.

How do I keep the life and love that I have here and have you in my life as well?

Chapter 48 - Life Without Paris

It's sad to admit, but I haven't thought of Paris very much these last few months.

Strange, considering its role in my life. As if I had a best friend with whom I'm no longer in contact.

There's been a strange disconnect. A disconnect which I felt when I was last there. A disconnect which once welcomed, I've now come to reject.

I don't know what to make of these recent feelings, but I know they'll develop into something I'll better understand. Sooner than later I hope.

Ah Paris, tu sais que tu me manques. C'est plutot moi qui ne savais pas jusq'a quel point.

Chapter 47 - On saying goodbye

Months have passed since my arrival to England. Months have passed since I left the familiar for the unfamiliar, the French for the English, the homeland for the motherland.

Paris has been calling me back though. I have heard the whispers in my dreams. The memories have pulled at the strings of my emotions. The longings to return to a place that held such promise once upon a time...

I returned to Paris one week ago. Solo. Just me and Paris, like it had always been. And yet, everything was different.

The sun shone, but it was different. The streets were noisy with singers, garbage trucks, and ambulance sirens, but they were different. The tourists blocked my way, the Parisians were rude, and my apartment was exactly how I left it, but everything, everything was different.

As I walked the avenues, I sensed that it'd be my last time. As I relaxed in the cafe, I knew that the cafe I was sipping would be my last. As I left my apartment and locked the door, I felt that the door would be left shut for a very long time. And then when I boarded the airplane to leave, I overheard my soul say goodbye.

I didn't realize that I had moved on since my departure. I thought there was a part of me still there. And maybe that was the case.. perhaps I simply came face to face with the stranger in me. Because now that I have returned to England, I feel whole. I feel like I made the right move. I feel like any part of me that was left behind in France has since regrown into the life I lead here now.

Paris, my favorite city in the world, I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your crazy nights, your wonderful baguettes, and your incessant pull on my soul. But I have moved on now. With only the fondest of memories that will bring me round for visits in the future, take wonderful care, and keep those Parisians on their toes for me. I'll be back. Someday. I'll be back. But never to stay.

Chapter 46 - One day at a time

Just a mention, life is a funny thing. It can make you sad, only for you to later realize that it was nothing more than a test.. as if hardships are dinner and only if you get through it all then you may have dessert.

After two weeks in now, England isn't as bad as I was afraid it would be. Culture shock is a bitch, and leaving Paris was hard, but hey, life is life and it is what it is. I am happy for many other things and they quickly overshadowed the thorns initially in my side.

So Paris, do know that I miss you, but I won't be returning any time soon. I have a life to make for myself here right now, and I need to focus on how to manifest my aspiring destiny.

Ma belle Paris, je t'aime. T'es toujours dans mes pensees.

Chapter 45 - Une Grave Erreur

I have been asleep all day. Trying to escape the dreariness and the grey, the sound of the rain against the windows even penetrated my dreams. There is no escaping this feeling; I am unhappy.

I have been more lost than I have cared to admit to myself, and now I find myself in England. Although I am unsure of where I want to be, being here makes me feel certain that this place isn't for me. And this terrifies me because I cannot leave; I am stuck here, like a prisoner, of a marriage, that I cannot help but doubt now as well.

I try to relate to this feeling, I try to remember feeling this before, and I can't. I'm not so sure I've ever been to a place that felt this wrong to me.

My solution thus far has been to find work, lots of work, that will keep me busy and away from home, away from the place of "It's not pickle, it's gherkin, and it's not chips, it's crisps"... oh what have I done? This is not the way it was supposed to be.

I can't find it in myself to even try to mask these feelings; a smile brings tears to my eyes. The fatigue of not knowing how to cope is strong and heavy over me; I fear I shall be sleeping quite a lot.

The grey outside is a mirror to the grey in me, and I fear I shall not see the sun anytime soon.

Paris, I miss you.

Chapter 44 - Say good-bye to Paris

i'm drivin' through the city tonight
under these lights in a hot new rent-a-car
i watch the lovers from this heavy machine
it's always the same cliché scene from afar
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby

i'll finally be takin' care of things for a while
and this style fits so right for my attitude
they had me sitting with my back to the door
now i won't be sitting anymore
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby

movin' on is a chance you have to take
any time you try to keep it together
say a word out of line
and you find that the friends you thought you had
are gone forever

so many faces in and out of my life
some will last
some will just be now and then
life is a series of hellos and goodbyes
i'm afraid it's time for goodbye again
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby

Chapter 43 - Dreams

Dreams. They haunt me.

I realize that dreams aren't about what you see, but what you feel. And my dreams as of late, well, they make me happy, happier than I am when I'm awake. So when I do wake, I am immediately sad. It sucks.

This is my reward for cleaning up my life and trying to be healthy... Instead of destroying my lungs, I am destroying my spirit. Which is worse?

I see people in my dreams, people I have not seen in a long time. I see colors and I visit places that are lost in my memories. And I can feel my happiness. I can feel my smile. I can feel peace. And it never feels like a dream. It all feels just so real.

It's like there's a door open in my soul and every night I pass thru it. It's my secret garden where I hide my secret desires, my secret longings, my secrets. This secrecy could eat me alive.

I am a crazy woman to prefer her dreams over life these days. I have what all women ultimately search for: the love of a man who I know will always treat me right, put me first, consider my feelings, and hold me close. And yet somehow, that's not at all what I want. But I know it is. I know that if I didn't have this, I'd want it. I'd pray for it. I'd dream about it. But I don't. Instead I dream about everything and everyone else.

I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel helpless. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my favorite city soon. And I don't want to. But I have to because he can't live here the way I live here; he just doesn't have what it takes... and that saddens me too. I feel like he falls short of what I want, even though I know he gives me what I need.

I feel evil to think such thoughts. I feel selfish for sharing. I feel hopeless for getting myself into a situation like this because this is all my doing.

I wish I did have a secret garden where I could go to think. I wish that secret garden would exist outside of my dreams. I wish that secret garden was more than a secret because if it was, I can think of only one person I'd really like to share it with...

chapter 42 - another 'new' year

this is the thirty-first time i've celebrated a new year. thirty-one fresh beginnings. thirty-one years worth of resolutions. thirty-one years to understand that it's not about january 1st. it's about march 18th, june 26th, and october 4th. it's about taking advantage of each day, starting anew when necessary, and keeping the momentum going for those things that are going good. it's about the fact that there are 365 january 1sts if you needed them.

it's not a happy new year. it's just another happy new day.

:)

Chapter 41 - on being a wife

if there's one question that i could live without hearing ever again, it would be, "so how is married life?"

i don't like this question because i don't know how to answer it, at least, not in the way i think people expect.

it feels loaded, and it feels like the asker has a certain kind of response in mind.

my only answer is: no different than life whilst in a relationship. except, of course, we're now legally bound to one another.

because that is really the only difference. well, hm, maybe not. i now refer to my boyfriend as my husband, we now have a shared bank account, and we talk about the idea of having kids without freaking each other out. and oh yeah, i'm supposed to change my name. this is unfortunately a thorn in my side.

i am embarrassed to admit it. i am ashamed to feel it. i am terrified that this feeling will be misconstrued. but the simple truth is: i love my name. it has been a pain in my ass my whole life, and that pain has grown on me entirely.

i have never met a person who could pronounce my full name. i used to dread the first day of school, where the teacher would inevitably mispronounce my name during roll call, bringing attention to the fact that i was different from everyone else and their pronouncable names.

but time changed that. and i now appreciate my differences. they are a part of me. and it begins with my name.

to change my name changes me. juliet suggested that a rose called by any other name would smell as sweet. and when one talks about roses, she is absolutely right. but we're not talking about roses this time around.

i am what my name means to me.

and it doesn't change one iota of who i am as a wife.

Chapter 40 - the simple truth

it's gotten cold. our water heater no longer works. our windows don't close properly and there's a draft under the door. our shoes have holes and bank accounts are empty. we spend our days wondering when we can afford to eat. and yet, somehow, we are happy.

this, is love.

Chapter 39 - The road more or less traveled

The sun is shining in Paris again. I feel spoiled. The sun never shines this much.

I celebrate the sunshine by staying in bed because it's also cold and I don't take well to goosebumps.

Entering into unemployment month numero cinq and stircrazy might be an understatement for how I feel. Albeit uneventful, it was nice to work for a couple of days back in August. Gave me a reason to leave the apt.

Not down though; quite happy in fact. Things are well. Nothing to complain about, save for a lack of income. I have a roof, food, Paris, and love. Life has taught me to appreciate these simple things.

Chapter 38 - In need of black ink

My printer is out of black ink. I have three books to print and I can't, because my printer is out of black ink. What am I supposed to do now?

I'd write, but my writing lately has been crap. I'd draw, but it's been ages; I'm afraid of what'll come out. I'd go out and buy more ink, but I've just quit my job and my bank account is in the red.

A whole lot of buts. I'm on the road to failure.

But Paris isn't supposed to be the city of failure. It's supposed to be more than that, something else, tho I don't know what. But not failure.

How did I get this far, this far down this road, this road to failure?

Things are on that downturn again. Perhaps something good is around the corner once again.

Or maybe I just need to get my hands on some black ink.

Chapter 37 - In retrospect

If given the choice between walking through life blindly, feeling out each step as I go, allowing for life's little surprises, or knowing ahead of time what was to come and what might be found around every corner, I know that I would opt for blindness.

Blindness allows for other senses to come into play.

It allows my fingers to feel, my nose to smell, my ears to hear. It allows my heart to be honest, my soul to be true, and my smile to come from within. It just lets life happen.

I am not a blind woman. But I lead my life as if I were.

The evening I laid my eyes on him, I did not project my hopes. The night he took my hand, I felt nothing more than his skin. The morning that we kissed, it was his smell that drew me in. And in the days that followed, we did not kid who we were. Within six months, we met, befriended one another, decided we were more, and so we wed. No games. No confusions. No doubts.

I said yes because I felt him in my heart; I had never strained to see him with my eyes.

They say love is blind. I say blindness is love.

Chapter 36 - Shhh

i have to love you quietly
for fear of scaring you away.
i realize how precious you are.
and i don't want to not know it, see it everyday.
your eyes open like my mouth when i smile.
my eyes and your lips closer together.
our hair wavy and curly like the paths of our lives,
that have somehow crossed here.

and now my life is forever changed.

knowing that you're out there,
it is bittersweet.
because i do not know what tomorrow brings.
and how i wish i did.

Chapter 35 - How to cross an ocean (and stay there)

This post isn't about crossing an ocean to Paris. It's about crossing an ocean from Paris.

I have traveled recently and have since returned to France. It has been an unusual homecoming, as I feel like I have left part of myself behind somewhere...

In my head and heart I carry thoughts of this past week, and it makes it hard to fully realize that it's over now. It's still so recently that I'm attached; this makes me wary all of a sudden.

I feel calm in my soul somewhere, somehow tho. Something has happened; something good.

I'm curious to see where this leads.