Chapter 36 - Shhh

i have to love you quietly
for fear of scaring you away.
i realize how precious you are.
and i don't want to not know it, see it everyday.
your eyes open like my mouth when i smile.
my eyes and your lips closer together.
our hair wavy and curly like the paths of our lives,
that have somehow crossed here.

and now my life is forever changed.

knowing that you're out there,
it is bittersweet.
because i do not know what tomorrow brings.
and how i wish i did.

Chapter 35 - How to cross an ocean (and stay there)

This post isn't about crossing an ocean to Paris. It's about crossing an ocean from Paris.

I have traveled recently and have since returned to France. It has been an unusual homecoming, as I feel like I have left part of myself behind somewhere...

In my head and heart I carry thoughts of this past week, and it makes it hard to fully realize that it's over now. It's still so recently that I'm attached; this makes me wary all of a sudden.

I feel calm in my soul somewhere, somehow tho. Something has happened; something good.

I'm curious to see where this leads.

Chapter 34 - Getting by

Bizarre how quickly life can shift and change in this city. Week by week. Month by month. Chapter by chapter. It challenges who I am, where my heart is, and where I stand.

And every now and again I'm realizing that I'm lost, and I find it hard to retrace my steps. So much happens so quickly...

I'm afraid to make plans one week in advance; outside of my work schedule I live day by day, night by night.

How will this all add up?

When will it all make sense?

Chapter 33 - Spring is here

I noticed it the first day it happened. The morning I woke up and birds were chirping. It was not so long ago.

Then yesterday I passed a tree that was covered in little white flowers.

Today people wore t-shirts.

Paris, it seems that spring has sprung.

(awesome.)

Chapter 32 - I spoke too soon...

No, I didn't know what was to come next. Or rather, I didn't know that there was more in store for me...

How quickly things can change. How harsh the Parisian streets have become.

Where am I to find the resolve to stick through this?

One week the events in my life are amazing, the next they're in the gutter.

How can life be this way?

Trying to stay positive, but still so wary and slowly becoming tired of it too...

I hope this all makes sense someday.

Chapter 31 - Ha. Now I know what was next...

Paris.

I was willing to have a child here.

I truly believed that Paris is where I'd want to raise someone.

And I still believe it.

But I no longer have that someone to raise.

By far the hardest decision in my life.

And a regret I fear will haunt me

as I wander up and down

these Parisian streets

now

and

forever.

Chapter 30 - How to forget a man

Life and chess have a lot in common.

They both require a basic ability to think, you get further if you learn to anticipate and plan out your progress, and when push comes to shove, when it comes to places on the board or spaces in your heart, one piece is always being overtaken by another.

I know a man who I could turn towards and help me to forget about the past month and a half of my life... a long and painful month and a half. I could let his knight overtake the pawn.

But I'm not going to.

I'm going to use my queen to protect him. For now.

I'm going to let the clock tick on, and I'm going to accrue time. I'm not going to worry yet about anyone's next move.

I need to understand what to do with the pawn, before I let him go.

And only time will tell.

And then the game shall continue.