Paris.
I was willing to have a child here.
I truly believed that Paris is where I'd want to raise someone.
And I still believe it.
But I no longer have that someone to raise.
By far the hardest decision in my life.
And a regret I fear will haunt me
as I wander up and down
these Parisian streets
now
and
forever.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Chapter 30 - How to forget a man
Life and chess have a lot in common.
They both require a basic ability to think, you get further if you learn to anticipate and plan out your progress, and when push comes to shove, when it comes to places on the board or spaces in your heart, one piece is always being overtaken by another.
I know a man who I could turn towards and help me to forget about the past month and a half of my life... a long and painful month and a half. I could let his knight overtake the pawn.
But I'm not going to.
I'm going to use my queen to protect him. For now.
I'm going to let the clock tick on, and I'm going to accrue time. I'm not going to worry yet about anyone's next move.
I need to understand what to do with the pawn, before I let him go.
And only time will tell.
And then the game shall continue.
They both require a basic ability to think, you get further if you learn to anticipate and plan out your progress, and when push comes to shove, when it comes to places on the board or spaces in your heart, one piece is always being overtaken by another.
I know a man who I could turn towards and help me to forget about the past month and a half of my life... a long and painful month and a half. I could let his knight overtake the pawn.
But I'm not going to.
I'm going to use my queen to protect him. For now.
I'm going to let the clock tick on, and I'm going to accrue time. I'm not going to worry yet about anyone's next move.
I need to understand what to do with the pawn, before I let him go.
And only time will tell.
And then the game shall continue.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Chapter 29 - Up in the sky
Looking up there goes a plane
and on it a man
who in the future
She will have hoped to forget
long ago.
In said future she will be okay,
the memories of yesterday now months away.
Many mornings, many nights will have passed,
many suns and moons. Perhaps along the way she'll find her smile.
Perhaps she'll cut her hair, make a new friend, try a new food.
Maybe she'll have some good dreams, and a nightmare.
She might dance a dance, sing a song, write down a few select words.
Or maybe she'll just cry for days.
All the while, slowly trying to forget his face.
Minutes bring hours and they allow the days to come and go.
Time is nothing, and everything.
Trying to increase the wrinkles on her face with forced smiles,
she hides her pain inside.
All the while, slowly trying to forget his words.
A birthday in the near future, and many others to follow.
Friends will visit and in turn have her over.
Travel is what lies ahead.
And where she'll go, nobody knows.
All the while, slowly trying to forget his touch.
One day she'll wake up.
She'll make her breakfast, take her shower and dress her body.
She'll step out into the day,
and it'll welcome her.
The sun will warm her skin all day long,
and the early evening's breeze will send her home to drape a shawl.
The moon's invitation will bring her back out again,
and she'll smile her way through the night,
until she rests her eyes to sleep.
And she will have forgotten him. Even if for just one day.
Someday, she will have forgotten him.
and on it a man
who in the future
She will have hoped to forget
long ago.
In said future she will be okay,
the memories of yesterday now months away.
Many mornings, many nights will have passed,
many suns and moons. Perhaps along the way she'll find her smile.
Perhaps she'll cut her hair, make a new friend, try a new food.
Maybe she'll have some good dreams, and a nightmare.
She might dance a dance, sing a song, write down a few select words.
Or maybe she'll just cry for days.
All the while, slowly trying to forget his face.
Minutes bring hours and they allow the days to come and go.
Time is nothing, and everything.
Trying to increase the wrinkles on her face with forced smiles,
she hides her pain inside.
All the while, slowly trying to forget his words.
A birthday in the near future, and many others to follow.
Friends will visit and in turn have her over.
Travel is what lies ahead.
And where she'll go, nobody knows.
All the while, slowly trying to forget his touch.
One day she'll wake up.
She'll make her breakfast, take her shower and dress her body.
She'll step out into the day,
and it'll welcome her.
The sun will warm her skin all day long,
and the early evening's breeze will send her home to drape a shawl.
The moon's invitation will bring her back out again,
and she'll smile her way through the night,
until she rests her eyes to sleep.
And she will have forgotten him. Even if for just one day.
Someday, she will have forgotten him.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Chapter 28 - Happy anniversary
Today is my 3 month anniversary of being in Paris.
Each one of these months have brought me some kind of heartache, and some kind of smile. Some kind of tear, and some kind of laughter. The dreams have come and gone, and I am still here wandering your streets.
Three months doesn't seem like long, but so far it has been three lifetimes.
And I am about to embark upon the fourth.
This month I celebrate my birthday, I spend more time with friends, and I heal. I hope.
So here's to you Paris. So far so good...
What's next?
Each one of these months have brought me some kind of heartache, and some kind of smile. Some kind of tear, and some kind of laughter. The dreams have come and gone, and I am still here wandering your streets.
Three months doesn't seem like long, but so far it has been three lifetimes.
And I am about to embark upon the fourth.
This month I celebrate my birthday, I spend more time with friends, and I heal. I hope.
So here's to you Paris. So far so good...
What's next?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Chapter 27 - And then he was gone...
So that's it. A few more hours and he's gone. Had been hoping to see him in the few hours leading up to this moment... Of course, I didn't. Nor did I get a text, or a phonecall...
What is this fool of a man I fell for?
Paris goddammit! Stop wasting my time! If you're going to send me someone, try and make sure that he's well, nothing like the man I have to say goodbye to.
What is this fool of a man I fell for?
Paris goddammit! Stop wasting my time! If you're going to send me someone, try and make sure that he's well, nothing like the man I have to say goodbye to.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Chapter 26 - Where's Square One Again?
Five more days, and then this little nightmare comes to a grinding halt.
I can't wait. It's all bittersweet though. I'm both looking forward to, and not at all looking forward to, saying goodbye to the man who has most recently bouleversed my little world here in Paris. Off he goes for three months, and my mind and my heart are finally back with me.
This past week has felt like a year, and I look forward to watching the days turn into weeks turn into months... even then, he still won't be back.
I'm going to miss him, but I know Paris will distract me soon enough. She always does.
I can't wait. It's all bittersweet though. I'm both looking forward to, and not at all looking forward to, saying goodbye to the man who has most recently bouleversed my little world here in Paris. Off he goes for three months, and my mind and my heart are finally back with me.
This past week has felt like a year, and I look forward to watching the days turn into weeks turn into months... even then, he still won't be back.
I'm going to miss him, but I know Paris will distract me soon enough. She always does.
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