Chapter 53 - The Long Dream Goodbye

One year has passed since I last visited these pages. A year of pain. A year of confusion. A year of death and a year of awakening. It was the longest year I have ever had. As much as I want to forget it, I know it was a blessing.

Paris, the life I led on your streets wasn't real. You are the perfect distraction to all that was wrong, but I still felt happy because you greeted me every step of the way with your food and your music and your wonderful parisiens... how can life not be wonderful with you in the background.

I was beaten. And still I smiled.

I was spat upon. And still I smiled.

I was abused, and misled, and hurt -so very hurt- and still I smiled.

I smiled because you are beautiful, and beauty will always triumph over darkness.

I want to damn you though. I want to blame you for your distractions, for surely I would have never let such things happen to me if I had been anywhere else - anywhere where my surroundings echoed the gloom and betrayal of my love instead of perfectly counteracting it. Or even supporting it, for how dark my parisian romance was...

It is silly so suggest this though. Perhaps you were my saving grace. Perhaps the man I knew would have crushed me in any place less beautiful. Perhaps I found my strength in your beauty, smiling when he thought I should cry. You might have made it both worse and better for me simultaneously.

I never asked you to get involved.

But you did. How could you not? You were everywhere.... You played as much a role in my life as I did in yours.

A bystander. A catalyst. A setting. An event. A friend. A spy. A soundtrack to my life. And home. Paris, you were once my everything.

And now I want to move on.

I must say good bye.

I must let go.

I just want to be happy without you tugging on the strings of my parisian memories... nothing can compete with nights on the seine, picnics on the champs, wines by the bottle, and the worries of those long lost days.... such highs... such lows... such everything in between.

It is because you're still my everything that this long-distance love affair must end. It is because I realize your charm that I recognize your seduction. You and him are one in the same, and I don't know why, but I cannot separate you. So together you must go.

I want to find my new Paris. The place of my dreams, not everyone else's. I want green pastures. I want sunshine and blue skies. I want tall grass, birds, and a private stone patio enclosed by stone cottages. I want to make carrot cake and smoke as I sip my wine. I want to harvest vegetables and pick fruits from my orchard. I want a family...  I need to reconnect with my husband. We've been married for almost four years now, and -somehow- he is still by my side.

Paris, you brought us together after you tore me apart. Is this what this time has been about? Me picking up the pieces? For four years now I have been tasting my own medicine, realizing my thoughtless behavior, hearing my uncaring words, staring at a stranger in the mirror. I changed while I was with you. And now, far from you, I lose context. I cannot bear this connection. I deserve more than this heavy parisian ball and chain.

So goodbye Paris. Your chapter is officially closed. For so long I longed to return to you, but now I can see the effect you have over me. I'll always cherish the memories and consider myself fortunate to have such strong ones, but as of today I'm setting my sights elsewhere. I'm not looking back anymore... Today I look ahead.

I see my family. I see sunshine. I see happiness.
It took this much to get me here.
That is alright with me.

Au revoir.

Non...

FIN

Chapter 52 - One

It was everything I had hoped it would be. New Years Eve was spent in Paris with loved ones and the year began with a smile. It was everything I had hoped it would be, and that is why I still sit here and miss you so.

Paris, we never say goodbye when we part ways. We never end each chapter. We simply let the story continue and everything in between is but an intermission. Why? How? To what end?

Am I doomed to be forever in half, with the only hope of being whole resting upon my return?

What holds me back from this union of myself?

What am I so fearful of?

Since when do I live in fear of potential regret?

Who am I becoming?

Who have I become?

Aide-moi, vite... S'il te plait...

Chapter 51 - 2012

They say that 2012 is a doomed year. They say that the poles will shift, the global economy will meet its demise, and that the world will end. For me, that's still better than what this last year has been. I have to believe that 2012 will be a good year. Being back in Paris will be a step in the right direction. It will do me good to be on those streets when I ring in the new year. 2012 may still bring loss, sadness and tears, but I feel that the worst is almost over now. Time to begin a new chapter. Time to begin anew. Paris, j'arrive!

Chapter 50 - Raison d'Etre

Who knew that a place could play as a large a role in someone's life as a loved one could. The absence of a loved one is a void in the heart. Paris, being away from you has rendered me empty in a space that I'm used to having filled. It's a lonely existence this lack of.. this lack of.. this lack of, Paris.

an aside to help a friend...

In an effort to help a friend reach a wider audience, I am posting a link here to her beautiful little bed and breakfast, Birchcliffe Bed & Breakfast. It's located in Hebden Bridge, a gorgeous little market town in West Yorkshire in northern England... If ever you find yourself in that neck of the woods, you should definitely look into staying there! Check it out: http://birchcliffebandb.co.uk

Chapter 49 - Who am I kidding?

Like a song you once loved and listened to again and again, or that favorite restaurant that served your one favorite dish, time can pass and make you forget but just a few notes in the distance or a whiff of something from down the street is all it takes for those memories to come rushing back, and the missing to set in. Paris, this is how I'm feeling tonight.

For months I have lived my life focused on here and now. My thoughts have been restricted to local postcodes and the food I eat isn't spelled with any accents or cedilles. Paris, tu me manques.

How do I keep the life and love that I have here and have you in my life as well?

Chapter 48 - Life Without Paris

It's sad to admit, but I haven't thought of Paris very much these last few months.

Strange, considering its role in my life. As if I had a best friend with whom I'm no longer in contact.

There's been a strange disconnect. A disconnect which I felt when I was last there. A disconnect which once welcomed, I've now come to reject.

I don't know what to make of these recent feelings, but I know they'll develop into something I'll better understand. Sooner than later I hope.

Ah Paris, tu sais que tu me manques. C'est plutot moi qui ne savais pas jusq'a quel point.