Chapter 53 - The Long Dream Goodbye

One year has passed since I last visited these pages. A year of pain. A year of confusion. A year of death and a year of awakening. It was the longest year I have ever had. As much as I want to forget it, I know it was a blessing.

Paris, the life I led on your streets wasn't real. You are the perfect distraction to all that was wrong, but I still felt happy because you greeted me every step of the way with your food and your music and your wonderful parisiens... how can life not be wonderful with you in the background.

I was beaten. And still I smiled.

I was spat upon. And still I smiled.

I was abused, and misled, and hurt -so very hurt- and still I smiled.

I smiled because you are beautiful, and beauty will always triumph over darkness.

I want to damn you though. I want to blame you for your distractions, for surely I would have never let such things happen to me if I had been anywhere else - anywhere where my surroundings echoed the gloom and betrayal of my love instead of perfectly counteracting it. Or even supporting it, for how dark my parisian romance was...

It is silly so suggest this though. Perhaps you were my saving grace. Perhaps the man I knew would have crushed me in any place less beautiful. Perhaps I found my strength in your beauty, smiling when he thought I should cry. You might have made it both worse and better for me simultaneously.

I never asked you to get involved.

But you did. How could you not? You were everywhere.... You played as much a role in my life as I did in yours.

A bystander. A catalyst. A setting. An event. A friend. A spy. A soundtrack to my life. And home. Paris, you were once my everything.

And now I want to move on.

I must say good bye.

I must let go.

I just want to be happy without you tugging on the strings of my parisian memories... nothing can compete with nights on the seine, picnics on the champs, wines by the bottle, and the worries of those long lost days.... such highs... such lows... such everything in between.

It is because you're still my everything that this long-distance love affair must end. It is because I realize your charm that I recognize your seduction. You and him are one in the same, and I don't know why, but I cannot separate you. So together you must go.

I want to find my new Paris. The place of my dreams, not everyone else's. I want green pastures. I want sunshine and blue skies. I want tall grass, birds, and a private stone patio enclosed by stone cottages. I want to make carrot cake and smoke as I sip my wine. I want to harvest vegetables and pick fruits from my orchard. I want a family...  I need to reconnect with my husband. We've been married for almost four years now, and -somehow- he is still by my side.

Paris, you brought us together after you tore me apart. Is this what this time has been about? Me picking up the pieces? For four years now I have been tasting my own medicine, realizing my thoughtless behavior, hearing my uncaring words, staring at a stranger in the mirror. I changed while I was with you. And now, far from you, I lose context. I cannot bear this connection. I deserve more than this heavy parisian ball and chain.

So goodbye Paris. Your chapter is officially closed. For so long I longed to return to you, but now I can see the effect you have over me. I'll always cherish the memories and consider myself fortunate to have such strong ones, but as of today I'm setting my sights elsewhere. I'm not looking back anymore... Today I look ahead.

I see my family. I see sunshine. I see happiness.
It took this much to get me here.
That is alright with me.

Au revoir.

Non...

FIN