I saw Santa smoking a cigarette on the Champs Elysses.
A van blasting Hanukkah music whilst adorned with a huge menorah just drove past my open window.
I must be in Paris.
And I am alone on this Christmas Eve.
And it's okay.
I'll be seeing people soon enough. Right now is me time.
My first Christmas Eve, all over again. Nice.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Chapter 16 - Quand le metro est fermé
I walk home from work late at night along rue Rivoli and then along rue de la Roquette towards metro Voltaire. Along the way I watch people wander through Paris' early morning hours, whether from one bar to another, or perhaps just trying to make their way home, much like myself.
I often have a walking buddy, the barman from the restaurant I work in. He quickly became my friend upon getting my job, and he's teaching me a lot; a lot more than I was expecting.
Our conversations are long, and we talk about what it's like for him being gay in Paris, hidden dreams, innocence, friendship, relationships, love, humour, and respect. And we do it all in French so he's helping me to learn and practice more and more as the days go on. He's like a little angel.
Paris has so many different people here, and there's so much to learn from each one. Old friends and new ones alike, Paris is what we all have in common, and I think that says a hell of a lot.
Paris je t'aime.
I often have a walking buddy, the barman from the restaurant I work in. He quickly became my friend upon getting my job, and he's teaching me a lot; a lot more than I was expecting.
Our conversations are long, and we talk about what it's like for him being gay in Paris, hidden dreams, innocence, friendship, relationships, love, humour, and respect. And we do it all in French so he's helping me to learn and practice more and more as the days go on. He's like a little angel.
Paris has so many different people here, and there's so much to learn from each one. Old friends and new ones alike, Paris is what we all have in common, and I think that says a hell of a lot.
Paris je t'aime.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Chapter 15 - I should be asleep, but I'm not
The day's been long, and my body is tired, borderline sore. But my mind, my thoughts, my imagination, it's all running wild.
This is an interesting chapter in my life. Very new territory. Paris is showing me so many sides of life here. And I find myself comfortable in them all. But again, this is all very unfamiliar.
I wish there was a way that I could stay here forever.
This is an interesting chapter in my life. Very new territory. Paris is showing me so many sides of life here. And I find myself comfortable in them all. But again, this is all very unfamiliar.
I wish there was a way that I could stay here forever.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Chapter 14 - Enjoy
"I'm only into this to enjoy" - Bjork
Paris. Paris. Paris. You funny little city you. So many things to say, so few words to express myself.
I can't remember the last time I was this happy with my life.
How quickly things can change here. Fifteen days and I can't believe my eyes; I am not the same person.
I've regained some of my confidence, I am more productive with my time, and I am back on my feet. I am so very happy.
Someday I will write a book about Paris. I will write a book about the streets I've walked here, the people I've met, and the person I am watching myself become along the way.
I am happy I came back now, after all that's been said and done. I am very happy I came back.
Paris. Paris. Paris. You funny little city you. So many things to say, so few words to express myself.
I can't remember the last time I was this happy with my life.
How quickly things can change here. Fifteen days and I can't believe my eyes; I am not the same person.
I've regained some of my confidence, I am more productive with my time, and I am back on my feet. I am so very happy.
Someday I will write a book about Paris. I will write a book about the streets I've walked here, the people I've met, and the person I am watching myself become along the way.
I am happy I came back now, after all that's been said and done. I am very happy I came back.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Chapter 13 - A Room of One's Own
No matter the weather, temperature, or hour, I recommend that if you live in Paris, it's worth leaving your windows open at night. Unlike New York, people here go to sleep, so the streets quiet down, save for the occasional taxi or scooter that passes by. But if you're lucky, once in a while, a woman will wander beneath your window, singing a song so beautifully that you pause your own music to listen to her. Or perhaps a group of men, after clearly having left a bar; they too are a pleasure to hear.
These are the people who now take part in my life. I'm not so focused inwards these days. I'm looking out.
This is new for me. Being alone. Living alone. Sleeping alone. Waking up alone. Being alone. Cooking alone. Eating alone. Being alone.
And I'm rejoicing in this moment like a little girl. The same way I did when I had my first roommate, or first moved in with a boyfriend. Funny how these opposite situations can arouse such similar feelings in me.
I look forward to having only myself to tend to. I anticipate mellow nights, creative moments, and getting to do things I've been wanting to do for a long time. Finally I'm going to be able to walk around naked, stay up all night, and find food that I bought right where I left it.
My goal is to just get through this year, on this path. Just one year. I want to see if I can do this.
These are the people who now take part in my life. I'm not so focused inwards these days. I'm looking out.
This is new for me. Being alone. Living alone. Sleeping alone. Waking up alone. Being alone. Cooking alone. Eating alone. Being alone.
And I'm rejoicing in this moment like a little girl. The same way I did when I had my first roommate, or first moved in with a boyfriend. Funny how these opposite situations can arouse such similar feelings in me.
I look forward to having only myself to tend to. I anticipate mellow nights, creative moments, and getting to do things I've been wanting to do for a long time. Finally I'm going to be able to walk around naked, stay up all night, and find food that I bought right where I left it.
My goal is to just get through this year, on this path. Just one year. I want to see if I can do this.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Chapter 12 - Manifest Destiny
One year ago I made a list of the only three things I wanted in my life:
1) a job
2) an apartment to myself
3) no boyfriend
I tried to return to Seoul to reach this goal; I believed that was where I would find the solitude that I sought. But I couldn't get back there. I fought as hard as I could, but I just couldn't get past the legal barriers that prohibited me from returning for work.
My life took on a downward spiral from there, leading me from San Francisco to Frankfurt, Koszalin to Paris, Los Angeles to New York, and back to Paris again, in a constant search for something real to grab a hold of.
I never did find that foothold. Even though there were moments I thought I might have, I had been consistently mistaken...
Here I am however, at what was seemingly the bottom of bottoms, and I'm slowly discovering the hidden reality that in fact I have somehow done it; I have completed my list... and I'm not really sure how.
All I know is that as of today, December 1, 2008, I now have a job (that I love), an apartment to myself (which is in a cool area and isn't far from my job), and no boyfriend (...YES!). At 30 years of age, all I can say.... is that it's about time.
(Go me.)
1) a job
2) an apartment to myself
3) no boyfriend
I tried to return to Seoul to reach this goal; I believed that was where I would find the solitude that I sought. But I couldn't get back there. I fought as hard as I could, but I just couldn't get past the legal barriers that prohibited me from returning for work.
My life took on a downward spiral from there, leading me from San Francisco to Frankfurt, Koszalin to Paris, Los Angeles to New York, and back to Paris again, in a constant search for something real to grab a hold of.
I never did find that foothold. Even though there were moments I thought I might have, I had been consistently mistaken...
Here I am however, at what was seemingly the bottom of bottoms, and I'm slowly discovering the hidden reality that in fact I have somehow done it; I have completed my list... and I'm not really sure how.
All I know is that as of today, December 1, 2008, I now have a job (that I love), an apartment to myself (which is in a cool area and isn't far from my job), and no boyfriend (...YES!). At 30 years of age, all I can say.... is that it's about time.
(Go me.)
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