Chapter 41 - on being a wife

if there's one question that i could live without hearing ever again, it would be, "so how is married life?"

i don't like this question because i don't know how to answer it, at least, not in the way i think people expect.

it feels loaded, and it feels like the asker has a certain kind of response in mind.

my only answer is: no different than life whilst in a relationship. except, of course, we're now legally bound to one another.

because that is really the only difference. well, hm, maybe not. i now refer to my boyfriend as my husband, we now have a shared bank account, and we talk about the idea of having kids without freaking each other out. and oh yeah, i'm supposed to change my name. this is unfortunately a thorn in my side.

i am embarrassed to admit it. i am ashamed to feel it. i am terrified that this feeling will be misconstrued. but the simple truth is: i love my name. it has been a pain in my ass my whole life, and that pain has grown on me entirely.

i have never met a person who could pronounce my full name. i used to dread the first day of school, where the teacher would inevitably mispronounce my name during roll call, bringing attention to the fact that i was different from everyone else and their pronouncable names.

but time changed that. and i now appreciate my differences. they are a part of me. and it begins with my name.

to change my name changes me. juliet suggested that a rose called by any other name would smell as sweet. and when one talks about roses, she is absolutely right. but we're not talking about roses this time around.

i am what my name means to me.

and it doesn't change one iota of who i am as a wife.

Chapter 40 - the simple truth

it's gotten cold. our water heater no longer works. our windows don't close properly and there's a draft under the door. our shoes have holes and bank accounts are empty. we spend our days wondering when we can afford to eat. and yet, somehow, we are happy.

this, is love.

Chapter 39 - The road more or less traveled

The sun is shining in Paris again. I feel spoiled. The sun never shines this much.

I celebrate the sunshine by staying in bed because it's also cold and I don't take well to goosebumps.

Entering into unemployment month numero cinq and stircrazy might be an understatement for how I feel. Albeit uneventful, it was nice to work for a couple of days back in August. Gave me a reason to leave the apt.

Not down though; quite happy in fact. Things are well. Nothing to complain about, save for a lack of income. I have a roof, food, Paris, and love. Life has taught me to appreciate these simple things.

Chapter 38 - In need of black ink

My printer is out of black ink. I have three books to print and I can't, because my printer is out of black ink. What am I supposed to do now?

I'd write, but my writing lately has been crap. I'd draw, but it's been ages; I'm afraid of what'll come out. I'd go out and buy more ink, but I've just quit my job and my bank account is in the red.

A whole lot of buts. I'm on the road to failure.

But Paris isn't supposed to be the city of failure. It's supposed to be more than that, something else, tho I don't know what. But not failure.

How did I get this far, this far down this road, this road to failure?

Things are on that downturn again. Perhaps something good is around the corner once again.

Or maybe I just need to get my hands on some black ink.

Chapter 37 - In retrospect

If given the choice between walking through life blindly, feeling out each step as I go, allowing for life's little surprises, or knowing ahead of time what was to come and what might be found around every corner, I know that I would opt for blindness.

Blindness allows for other senses to come into play.

It allows my fingers to feel, my nose to smell, my ears to hear. It allows my heart to be honest, my soul to be true, and my smile to come from within. It just lets life happen.

I am not a blind woman. But I lead my life as if I were.

The evening I laid my eyes on him, I did not project my hopes. The night he took my hand, I felt nothing more than his skin. The morning that we kissed, it was his smell that drew me in. And in the days that followed, we did not kid who we were. Within six months, we met, befriended one another, decided we were more, and so we wed. No games. No confusions. No doubts.

I said yes because I felt him in my heart; I had never strained to see him with my eyes.

They say love is blind. I say blindness is love.

Chapter 36 - Shhh

i have to love you quietly
for fear of scaring you away.
i realize how precious you are.
and i don't want to not know it, see it everyday.
your eyes open like my mouth when i smile.
my eyes and your lips closer together.
our hair wavy and curly like the paths of our lives,
that have somehow crossed here.

and now my life is forever changed.

knowing that you're out there,
it is bittersweet.
because i do not know what tomorrow brings.
and how i wish i did.

Chapter 35 - How to cross an ocean (and stay there)

This post isn't about crossing an ocean to Paris. It's about crossing an ocean from Paris.

I have traveled recently and have since returned to France. It has been an unusual homecoming, as I feel like I have left part of myself behind somewhere...

In my head and heart I carry thoughts of this past week, and it makes it hard to fully realize that it's over now. It's still so recently that I'm attached; this makes me wary all of a sudden.

I feel calm in my soul somewhere, somehow tho. Something has happened; something good.

I'm curious to see where this leads.

Chapter 34 - Getting by

Bizarre how quickly life can shift and change in this city. Week by week. Month by month. Chapter by chapter. It challenges who I am, where my heart is, and where I stand.

And every now and again I'm realizing that I'm lost, and I find it hard to retrace my steps. So much happens so quickly...

I'm afraid to make plans one week in advance; outside of my work schedule I live day by day, night by night.

How will this all add up?

When will it all make sense?

Chapter 33 - Spring is here

I noticed it the first day it happened. The morning I woke up and birds were chirping. It was not so long ago.

Then yesterday I passed a tree that was covered in little white flowers.

Today people wore t-shirts.

Paris, it seems that spring has sprung.

(awesome.)

Chapter 32 - I spoke too soon...

No, I didn't know what was to come next. Or rather, I didn't know that there was more in store for me...

How quickly things can change. How harsh the Parisian streets have become.

Where am I to find the resolve to stick through this?

One week the events in my life are amazing, the next they're in the gutter.

How can life be this way?

Trying to stay positive, but still so wary and slowly becoming tired of it too...

I hope this all makes sense someday.

Chapter 31 - Ha. Now I know what was next...

Paris.

I was willing to have a child here.

I truly believed that Paris is where I'd want to raise someone.

And I still believe it.

But I no longer have that someone to raise.

By far the hardest decision in my life.

And a regret I fear will haunt me

as I wander up and down

these Parisian streets

now

and

forever.

Chapter 30 - How to forget a man

Life and chess have a lot in common.

They both require a basic ability to think, you get further if you learn to anticipate and plan out your progress, and when push comes to shove, when it comes to places on the board or spaces in your heart, one piece is always being overtaken by another.

I know a man who I could turn towards and help me to forget about the past month and a half of my life... a long and painful month and a half. I could let his knight overtake the pawn.

But I'm not going to.

I'm going to use my queen to protect him. For now.

I'm going to let the clock tick on, and I'm going to accrue time. I'm not going to worry yet about anyone's next move.

I need to understand what to do with the pawn, before I let him go.

And only time will tell.

And then the game shall continue.

Chapter 29 - Up in the sky

Looking up there goes a plane
and on it a man
who in the future
She will have hoped to forget
long ago.

In said future she will be okay,
the memories of yesterday now months away.

Many mornings, many nights will have passed,
many suns and moons. Perhaps along the way she'll find her smile.

Perhaps she'll cut her hair, make a new friend, try a new food.
Maybe she'll have some good dreams, and a nightmare.
She might dance a dance, sing a song, write down a few select words.
Or maybe she'll just cry for days.

All the while, slowly trying to forget his face.

Minutes bring hours and they allow the days to come and go.
Time is nothing, and everything.
Trying to increase the wrinkles on her face with forced smiles,
she hides her pain inside.

All the while, slowly trying to forget his words.

A birthday in the near future, and many others to follow.
Friends will visit and in turn have her over.
Travel is what lies ahead.
And where she'll go, nobody knows.

All the while, slowly trying to forget his touch.

One day she'll wake up.
She'll make her breakfast, take her shower and dress her body.
She'll step out into the day,
and it'll welcome her.
The sun will warm her skin all day long,
and the early evening's breeze will send her home to drape a shawl.
The moon's invitation will bring her back out again,
and she'll smile her way through the night,
until she rests her eyes to sleep.

And she will have forgotten him. Even if for just one day.
Someday, she will have forgotten him.

Chapter 28 - Happy anniversary

Today is my 3 month anniversary of being in Paris.

Each one of these months have brought me some kind of heartache, and some kind of smile. Some kind of tear, and some kind of laughter. The dreams have come and gone, and I am still here wandering your streets.

Three months doesn't seem like long, but so far it has been three lifetimes.

And I am about to embark upon the fourth.

This month I celebrate my birthday, I spend more time with friends, and I heal. I hope.

So here's to you Paris. So far so good...

What's next?

Chapter 27 - And then he was gone...

So that's it. A few more hours and he's gone. Had been hoping to see him in the few hours leading up to this moment... Of course, I didn't. Nor did I get a text, or a phonecall...

What is this fool of a man I fell for?

Paris goddammit! Stop wasting my time! If you're going to send me someone, try and make sure that he's well, nothing like the man I have to say goodbye to.

Chapter 26 - Where's Square One Again?

Five more days, and then this little nightmare comes to a grinding halt.

I can't wait. It's all bittersweet though. I'm both looking forward to, and not at all looking forward to, saying goodbye to the man who has most recently bouleversed my little world here in Paris. Off he goes for three months, and my mind and my heart are finally back with me.

This past week has felt like a year, and I look forward to watching the days turn into weeks turn into months... even then, he still won't be back.

I'm going to miss him, but I know Paris will distract me soon enough. She always does.

Chapter 25 - Didn't see it coming

I feel silly. No, more along the lines of stupid actually. For actually thinking that things could fall into place so easily. As the seasons change, so to life's cycles, and looks like my up and up is slowly turning towards a down and lower.

As things come to light, other things fall into shadow, and it's hard to find your footing sometimes between the two. I am happy to be here in Paris though, spending my time working and talking to wonderful people, and then spending the rest of my time skyping with friends all over the globe. I find strength in knowing the people I know; people who I am all so very fond of.

These times are tough emotionally. Don't know if it's the situation or an imminent period, but either way, I've cycled through every emotion in the book in these past 24 hours, and I'm exhausted now.

I look forward to going to sleep. Waking up to a new day. Starting fresh.

In Paris.

Again.

Chapter 24 - Time

Time can be nothing, or it can be everything.

Some things thrive with time, others whither and die.

I imagine this is why they call it a test.. the 'test of time'...

And it is a test.

It's like holding your breath
Under water
Whilst swimming laps.

But then, you come up for air. And you look around, and check out how far it is exactly that you've gotten... And no matter the distance, you're usually glad to have at least gotten this far...

I think that in the end, time is most definitely a blessing in disguise.

No matter how much it sucks to hold your breath.

Chapter 23 - Can't say I love you (Part II)

My lips may have to stay sealed, but I still have the rest of my body.

With my arms, I can wrap myself around you.
With my eyes, I can smile.
With my lips, I can kiss you,
And with my heart I can love, silently.

My caresses will be soft,
My words kind,
And my patience never-ending.

One day, sooner or later, you'll know my sentiments for sure.
I think my actions might give it all away before then though.

Chapter 22 - Can't say I love you

Retrospect shrinks moments.

Looking back, it hasn't even yet been two weeks, and yet these experiences feel like they've lasted a lifetime.

The man I've recently met is bouleversing my little world, and he's soon to leave.

So there's a lot I can't tell him. And he knows it. He has a lot to tell me, but he too knows we need to wait.

And so we will.

And one day in the future, I'll have the opportunity to say the things I know I already want to say.

Like I love you.

I can't say I love you, yet.

Chapter 21 - On a cold winter's night

One thing I'll always love about Paris is the closing time at bars. When it's time to go, it's time to go, and quickly the street fills up with the patrons of the night.

This time around, I found myself amongst friends of friends, and after a quick exchange with one man in particular and then a declaration that I had to head home, he offered me one of his gloves. He told me to return it to him the next time we saw one another.

I left it at home the first day I had it. I was fearful that I might lose it.

I carried it on the second day though, in the hopes that perhaps I'd see him later in the night, once I got out of work.

And I did.

We spoke during the day and made plans to see one another late in the evening, at the same bar we had met at. He waited for me outside the bar, in the once again freezing Parisian air. As I made my way to meet him from work, he sent me numerous texts about how cold it was outside, and how cold his hand was. I laughed my whole way there.

When we met up, I quickly handed over the glove, which he then promptly put on, and we headed in for a quick drink.

Three drinks later, we were back out on the street. Closing time strikes again.

For over an hour, he and I sat in a window sill in the cold, talking, smoking cigarettes, and laughing. And then we kissed, and everything was still.

I had known that I would kiss him by the end of the night. Earlier, as we were packing up our belongings as we headed out of the bar, I picked up his jacket and gloves to hand to him, upon which moment I discovered that he had 2 different gloves in fact. When I asked him about it, he admitted that he had in fact lost the match to the one I had, later the same night that he had given me mine. But he knew he had to come with one glove, so he picked the closest glove he could find.

Not to mention, the one he wore to meet me didn't remotely look like the one I had.

Ah, funny how things just kind of happen...

Chapter 20 - C'est possible que je t'aime

It had to be you... it had to be you.
I wandered around and finally found that somebody who could make me be true...
could make me be blue, and even be glad just to be sad, thinking of you...

Some others I've seen might never be mean,
might never be cross,
or try to be boss
But they wouldn't do.

For nobody else gave me a thrill
With all your faults, I love you still
It had to be you, wonderful you
It had to be you ..


Paris, thank you for bringing us together on your cold winter evening... thank you for letting us find warmth in each other's arms... thank you for this crazy crazy life.

Chapter 19 - Day 5; 360 more to go

The year has started off in ways I did not expect.

Some ways better than others.

Even in the moments of downfall though, experience has taught me that unlikely situations often arise. And they often end up being relatively favorable as well.

I'm beginning to think that it is a shame to spend time being disappointed when life 'serves you lemons'. If the time spent being disappointed was instead spent continuing on with life, then things have greater potential to turn out well in the end...

or at the very least along the way.

Chapter 18 - Bonne Année

I didn't know that midnight had struck.

I was working, and standing by the kitchen waiting for plates to be served.

All of a sudden the music was turned up, and a woman at a table within my view stood up and started dancing. She then reached for everyone around her table and kissed each one. I thought it was someone's birthday.

I turned back to la cuisine and everyone was hugging. Then I heard someone say bonne année.

The only thought running through my mind at that moment was of all the people who had been counting down to this moment for the past 60 seconds. I almost shed a tear of joy. Before I could though, a fellow waiter spun me around to kiss and hug me what a new years hug and kiss should be.

And so I rang in the new year with a smile.

Instead of a tear.

Even if it was a tear of joy...

Happy 2009 Paris. Thank you for letting me get this far. :)