Chapter 48 - Life Without Paris

It's sad to admit, but I haven't thought of Paris very much these last few months.

Strange, considering its role in my life. As if I had a best friend with whom I'm no longer in contact.

There's been a strange disconnect. A disconnect which I felt when I was last there. A disconnect which once welcomed, I've now come to reject.

I don't know what to make of these recent feelings, but I know they'll develop into something I'll better understand. Sooner than later I hope.

Ah Paris, tu sais que tu me manques. C'est plutot moi qui ne savais pas jusq'a quel point.

Chapter 47 - On saying goodbye

Months have passed since my arrival to England. Months have passed since I left the familiar for the unfamiliar, the French for the English, the homeland for the motherland.

Paris has been calling me back though. I have heard the whispers in my dreams. The memories have pulled at the strings of my emotions. The longings to return to a place that held such promise once upon a time...

I returned to Paris one week ago. Solo. Just me and Paris, like it had always been. And yet, everything was different.

The sun shone, but it was different. The streets were noisy with singers, garbage trucks, and ambulance sirens, but they were different. The tourists blocked my way, the Parisians were rude, and my apartment was exactly how I left it, but everything, everything was different.

As I walked the avenues, I sensed that it'd be my last time. As I relaxed in the cafe, I knew that the cafe I was sipping would be my last. As I left my apartment and locked the door, I felt that the door would be left shut for a very long time. And then when I boarded the airplane to leave, I overheard my soul say goodbye.

I didn't realize that I had moved on since my departure. I thought there was a part of me still there. And maybe that was the case.. perhaps I simply came face to face with the stranger in me. Because now that I have returned to England, I feel whole. I feel like I made the right move. I feel like any part of me that was left behind in France has since regrown into the life I lead here now.

Paris, my favorite city in the world, I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your crazy nights, your wonderful baguettes, and your incessant pull on my soul. But I have moved on now. With only the fondest of memories that will bring me round for visits in the future, take wonderful care, and keep those Parisians on their toes for me. I'll be back. Someday. I'll be back. But never to stay.

Chapter 46 - One day at a time

Just a mention, life is a funny thing. It can make you sad, only for you to later realize that it was nothing more than a test.. as if hardships are dinner and only if you get through it all then you may have dessert.

After two weeks in now, England isn't as bad as I was afraid it would be. Culture shock is a bitch, and leaving Paris was hard, but hey, life is life and it is what it is. I am happy for many other things and they quickly overshadowed the thorns initially in my side.

So Paris, do know that I miss you, but I won't be returning any time soon. I have a life to make for myself here right now, and I need to focus on how to manifest my aspiring destiny.

Ma belle Paris, je t'aime. T'es toujours dans mes pensees.

Chapter 45 - Une Grave Erreur

I have been asleep all day. Trying to escape the dreariness and the grey, the sound of the rain against the windows even penetrated my dreams. There is no escaping this feeling; I am unhappy.

I have been more lost than I have cared to admit to myself, and now I find myself in England. Although I am unsure of where I want to be, being here makes me feel certain that this place isn't for me. And this terrifies me because I cannot leave; I am stuck here, like a prisoner, of a marriage, that I cannot help but doubt now as well.

I try to relate to this feeling, I try to remember feeling this before, and I can't. I'm not so sure I've ever been to a place that felt this wrong to me.

My solution thus far has been to find work, lots of work, that will keep me busy and away from home, away from the place of "It's not pickle, it's gherkin, and it's not chips, it's crisps"... oh what have I done? This is not the way it was supposed to be.

I can't find it in myself to even try to mask these feelings; a smile brings tears to my eyes. The fatigue of not knowing how to cope is strong and heavy over me; I fear I shall be sleeping quite a lot.

The grey outside is a mirror to the grey in me, and I fear I shall not see the sun anytime soon.

Paris, I miss you.

Chapter 44 - Say good-bye to Paris

i'm drivin' through the city tonight
under these lights in a hot new rent-a-car
i watch the lovers from this heavy machine
it's always the same cliché scene from afar
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby

i'll finally be takin' care of things for a while
and this style fits so right for my attitude
they had me sitting with my back to the door
now i won't be sitting anymore
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby

movin' on is a chance you have to take
any time you try to keep it together
say a word out of line
and you find that the friends you thought you had
are gone forever

so many faces in and out of my life
some will last
some will just be now and then
life is a series of hellos and goodbyes
i'm afraid it's time for goodbye again
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby
say goodbye to paris
say goodbye, my baby

Chapter 43 - Dreams

Dreams. They haunt me.

I realize that dreams aren't about what you see, but what you feel. And my dreams as of late, well, they make me happy, happier than I am when I'm awake. So when I do wake, I am immediately sad. It sucks.

This is my reward for cleaning up my life and trying to be healthy... Instead of destroying my lungs, I am destroying my spirit. Which is worse?

I see people in my dreams, people I have not seen in a long time. I see colors and I visit places that are lost in my memories. And I can feel my happiness. I can feel my smile. I can feel peace. And it never feels like a dream. It all feels just so real.

It's like there's a door open in my soul and every night I pass thru it. It's my secret garden where I hide my secret desires, my secret longings, my secrets. This secrecy could eat me alive.

I am a crazy woman to prefer her dreams over life these days. I have what all women ultimately search for: the love of a man who I know will always treat me right, put me first, consider my feelings, and hold me close. And yet somehow, that's not at all what I want. But I know it is. I know that if I didn't have this, I'd want it. I'd pray for it. I'd dream about it. But I don't. Instead I dream about everything and everyone else.

I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel helpless. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my favorite city soon. And I don't want to. But I have to because he can't live here the way I live here; he just doesn't have what it takes... and that saddens me too. I feel like he falls short of what I want, even though I know he gives me what I need.

I feel evil to think such thoughts. I feel selfish for sharing. I feel hopeless for getting myself into a situation like this because this is all my doing.

I wish I did have a secret garden where I could go to think. I wish that secret garden would exist outside of my dreams. I wish that secret garden was more than a secret because if it was, I can think of only one person I'd really like to share it with...

chapter 42 - another 'new' year

this is the thirty-first time i've celebrated a new year. thirty-one fresh beginnings. thirty-one years worth of resolutions. thirty-one years to understand that it's not about january 1st. it's about march 18th, june 26th, and october 4th. it's about taking advantage of each day, starting anew when necessary, and keeping the momentum going for those things that are going good. it's about the fact that there are 365 january 1sts if you needed them.

it's not a happy new year. it's just another happy new day.

:)