Chapter 43 - Dreams

Dreams. They haunt me.

I realize that dreams aren't about what you see, but what you feel. And my dreams as of late, well, they make me happy, happier than I am when I'm awake. So when I do wake, I am immediately sad. It sucks.

This is my reward for cleaning up my life and trying to be healthy... Instead of destroying my lungs, I am destroying my spirit. Which is worse?

I see people in my dreams, people I have not seen in a long time. I see colors and I visit places that are lost in my memories. And I can feel my happiness. I can feel my smile. I can feel peace. And it never feels like a dream. It all feels just so real.

It's like there's a door open in my soul and every night I pass thru it. It's my secret garden where I hide my secret desires, my secret longings, my secrets. This secrecy could eat me alive.

I am a crazy woman to prefer her dreams over life these days. I have what all women ultimately search for: the love of a man who I know will always treat me right, put me first, consider my feelings, and hold me close. And yet somehow, that's not at all what I want. But I know it is. I know that if I didn't have this, I'd want it. I'd pray for it. I'd dream about it. But I don't. Instead I dream about everything and everyone else.

I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel helpless. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my favorite city soon. And I don't want to. But I have to because he can't live here the way I live here; he just doesn't have what it takes... and that saddens me too. I feel like he falls short of what I want, even though I know he gives me what I need.

I feel evil to think such thoughts. I feel selfish for sharing. I feel hopeless for getting myself into a situation like this because this is all my doing.

I wish I did have a secret garden where I could go to think. I wish that secret garden would exist outside of my dreams. I wish that secret garden was more than a secret because if it was, I can think of only one person I'd really like to share it with...