Chapter 43 - Dreams

Dreams. They haunt me.

I realize that dreams aren't about what you see, but what you feel. And my dreams as of late, well, they make me happy, happier than I am when I'm awake. So when I do wake, I am immediately sad. It sucks.

This is my reward for cleaning up my life and trying to be healthy... Instead of destroying my lungs, I am destroying my spirit. Which is worse?

I see people in my dreams, people I have not seen in a long time. I see colors and I visit places that are lost in my memories. And I can feel my happiness. I can feel my smile. I can feel peace. And it never feels like a dream. It all feels just so real.

It's like there's a door open in my soul and every night I pass thru it. It's my secret garden where I hide my secret desires, my secret longings, my secrets. This secrecy could eat me alive.

I am a crazy woman to prefer her dreams over life these days. I have what all women ultimately search for: the love of a man who I know will always treat me right, put me first, consider my feelings, and hold me close. And yet somehow, that's not at all what I want. But I know it is. I know that if I didn't have this, I'd want it. I'd pray for it. I'd dream about it. But I don't. Instead I dream about everything and everyone else.

I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel helpless. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my favorite city soon. And I don't want to. But I have to because he can't live here the way I live here; he just doesn't have what it takes... and that saddens me too. I feel like he falls short of what I want, even though I know he gives me what I need.

I feel evil to think such thoughts. I feel selfish for sharing. I feel hopeless for getting myself into a situation like this because this is all my doing.

I wish I did have a secret garden where I could go to think. I wish that secret garden would exist outside of my dreams. I wish that secret garden was more than a secret because if it was, I can think of only one person I'd really like to share it with...

chapter 42 - another 'new' year

this is the thirty-first time i've celebrated a new year. thirty-one fresh beginnings. thirty-one years worth of resolutions. thirty-one years to understand that it's not about january 1st. it's about march 18th, june 26th, and october 4th. it's about taking advantage of each day, starting anew when necessary, and keeping the momentum going for those things that are going good. it's about the fact that there are 365 january 1sts if you needed them.

it's not a happy new year. it's just another happy new day.

:)