Chapter 17 - Christmas Eve

I saw Santa smoking a cigarette on the Champs Elysses.

A van blasting Hanukkah music whilst adorned with a huge menorah just drove past my open window.

I must be in Paris.

And I am alone on this Christmas Eve.

And it's okay.

I'll be seeing people soon enough. Right now is me time.

My first Christmas Eve, all over again. Nice.

Chapter 16 - Quand le metro est fermé

I walk home from work late at night along rue Rivoli and then along rue de la Roquette towards metro Voltaire. Along the way I watch people wander through Paris' early morning hours, whether from one bar to another, or perhaps just trying to make their way home, much like myself.

I often have a walking buddy, the barman from the restaurant I work in. He quickly became my friend upon getting my job, and he's teaching me a lot; a lot more than I was expecting.

Our conversations are long, and we talk about what it's like for him being gay in Paris, hidden dreams, innocence, friendship, relationships, love, humour, and respect. And we do it all in French so he's helping me to learn and practice more and more as the days go on. He's like a little angel.

Paris has so many different people here, and there's so much to learn from each one. Old friends and new ones alike, Paris is what we all have in common, and I think that says a hell of a lot.

Paris je t'aime.

Chapter 15 - I should be asleep, but I'm not

The day's been long, and my body is tired, borderline sore. But my mind, my thoughts, my imagination, it's all running wild.

This is an interesting chapter in my life. Very new territory. Paris is showing me so many sides of life here. And I find myself comfortable in them all. But again, this is all very unfamiliar.

I wish there was a way that I could stay here forever.

Chapter 14 - Enjoy

"I'm only into this to enjoy" - Bjork

Paris. Paris. Paris. You funny little city you. So many things to say, so few words to express myself.

I can't remember the last time I was this happy with my life.

How quickly things can change here. Fifteen days and I can't believe my eyes; I am not the same person.

I've regained some of my confidence, I am more productive with my time, and I am back on my feet. I am so very happy.

Someday I will write a book about Paris. I will write a book about the streets I've walked here, the people I've met, and the person I am watching myself become along the way.

I am happy I came back now, after all that's been said and done. I am very happy I came back.

Chapter 13 - A Room of One's Own

No matter the weather, temperature, or hour, I recommend that if you live in Paris, it's worth leaving your windows open at night. Unlike New York, people here go to sleep, so the streets quiet down, save for the occasional taxi or scooter that passes by. But if you're lucky, once in a while, a woman will wander beneath your window, singing a song so beautifully that you pause your own music to listen to her. Or perhaps a group of men, after clearly having left a bar; they too are a pleasure to hear.

These are the people who now take part in my life. I'm not so focused inwards these days. I'm looking out.

This is new for me. Being alone. Living alone. Sleeping alone. Waking up alone. Being alone. Cooking alone. Eating alone. Being alone.

And I'm rejoicing in this moment like a little girl. The same way I did when I had my first roommate, or first moved in with a boyfriend. Funny how these opposite situations can arouse such similar feelings in me.

I look forward to having only myself to tend to. I anticipate mellow nights, creative moments, and getting to do things I've been wanting to do for a long time. Finally I'm going to be able to walk around naked, stay up all night, and find food that I bought right where I left it.

My goal is to just get through this year, on this path. Just one year. I want to see if I can do this.

Chapter 12 - Manifest Destiny

One year ago I made a list of the only three things I wanted in my life:
1) a job
2) an apartment to myself
3) no boyfriend

I tried to return to Seoul to reach this goal; I believed that was where I would find the solitude that I sought. But I couldn't get back there. I fought as hard as I could, but I just couldn't get past the legal barriers that prohibited me from returning for work.

My life took on a downward spiral from there, leading me from San Francisco to Frankfurt, Koszalin to Paris, Los Angeles to New York, and back to Paris again, in a constant search for something real to grab a hold of.

I never did find that foothold. Even though there were moments I thought I might have, I had been consistently mistaken...

Here I am however, at what was seemingly the bottom of bottoms, and I'm slowly discovering the hidden reality that in fact I have somehow done it; I have completed my list... and I'm not really sure how.

All I know is that as of today, December 1, 2008, I now have a job (that I love), an apartment to myself (which is in a cool area and isn't far from my job), and no boyfriend (...YES!). At 30 years of age, all I can say.... is that it's about time.

(Go me.)

Chapter 11 - I miss him terribly...

Life has a way of letting you know when you've made a terrible mistake.

My experience is that when I've wronged, I soon find myself in a similar situation with someone new, and with roles reversed, they do to me what I had done to another.

Oh how I hurt a man who once came into my life all those years ago. To have the kindest man I've ever met stay away from me for sake of self-preservation says too much about how poorly I treated him over the years.

Sometimes I feel like I want him back in my life, just to talk to, and it's not fair to think this way. I need to move on through life accepting the repercussions of my actions; they are constant reminders of what never to do again...

Humbled I am.

Paris, everytime I come here, I am humbled over something...

Chapter 10 - Opening the firedoor

The sun just broke through the clouds. The room is filled with light. And I feel like something just made sense to me.

The situation I have found myself in bothers me because I feel like I've been pushed aside, passed over, invisible. This is not the place I usually inhabit in life. I tend to be a bit of a noisemaker.

So there it is, I am face to face with one of my mental obstacles right now. Grrr....

Okay. Bring it.

I do not want to let this one situation get the better of me.

Chapter 9 - Where is this path taking me...

I sit here and flip through pictures from these past years, and I think about myself from then, and now.

It's like I've been on a rampage through life, approaching it with enough energy to climb a mountain. And then I take my pauses, where I let life slow down to a standstill. I go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and I wonder now, what the hell am I trying to do?

Where am I trying to go?

How do I learn to rope in these emotions that bring me so high, and drop me so low?

And why do I choose to do this in Paris?

Why Paris?

I feel alone here. And it's strange. I do have friends here in the city, and in others, but something here, now, feels very solitary.

I need this path to reveal its intentions eventually. Because, for now, as it rains outside again, I'm lost.

I'm confident that things are going to be okay, but still, I'm lost.

Chapter 8 - What if...

Of all of the what ifs of my life, never have I wondered "what if I hadn't done that...." It's usually closer to "what if I had...."

Even then, there aren't many of those either. I do tend to just jump into the deep end.

But today, today is the day I ask myself, "what if I hadn't..."

What if I hadn't sent that text?
What if I hadn't taken that call?
What if I hadn't said yes?
What if I hadn't left the airport?
What if I hadn't kissed him?
What if I hadn't enjoyed the sex?
What if I hadn't fallen for him?
What if I hadn't stayed for so long?
What if I hadn't returned so soon?
What if I hadn't caught on that something was wrong?
What if I hadn't snooped through his messages?
What if I hadn't had the strength and resolve to be honest with him?
What if I hadn't had the strength and resolve to be honest with myself?
What if I hadn't ever taken off these rose-colored glasses....

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.... all these lessons... all this learning... another man bites the dust.. so what? What a wonderful city, what a wonderful country, what a wonderful world....

Chapter 7 - A new dawn, a new day, a new life

It's mid-morning and here I sit at the table, the sun is creeping in through the clouds and through the dirty glass doors leading in from the balcony. I am playing Nina Simone, and her words are, well, working well with the moment.

Its a new dawn
Its a new day
Its a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

These words ride in on the same minutes where I discovered things I wish I never knew, but am happy to know all the same. It's good to know who you're dealing with... always. It lets you know how to position your defenses....

I want to point fingers, but that's what I've always done. I want to scream, but I've been there and done that. I want revenge, but it just doesn't seem so sweet anymore. What I really want to do is just move on and forget about this. I'm not so sure I care to repeat the past, and I really don't want to waste any energy on it either.

So this is my new day. The day that the same things happen, but I decide to do things a little differently.

Paris is proving to be a different place than I expected.

Chapter 6 - Sometimes there's a hidden lesson...

To come to Paris and find a stranger in me would ordinarily send me running. But today I have found the resolve to stay.

I have found the resolve to stay in my shoes, keep my head above water, my heart out of reach of heartbreak, and my spirit positive.

This is a city where anything can happen; it has proved me this time and time again. So if one thing doesn't turn out the way one hoped, there's always something else awaiting to be a pleasant surprise.

It's taking a lot out of me to maintain this positive outlook, but I feel like it's the only option I have. I know all too well the outcome of letting myself fall into sadness over spilt milk. That is not the path I want to take.

So here's to unfamiliar territory along familiar streets. I know now that my return to Paris is a return to my path of self discovery. This is where it began, and this is where it shall continue.

Chapter 5 - How it all began...

Paris. The first time I came here was for a wedding. This is why I have come again. A lot has happened in between...

My parents are francophiles, and their enthusiasm for this country, language, and culture influenced every aspect of my childhood. My summers were spent on the Cote d'Azur, my weekends in French classes, and vacations otherwise with the French club of Rockland and Bergen County.

When it came time for college I had only one place in mind: The American University of Paris. I spent four long and event-filled years there, from Bush's inauguration to September 11, from the war on Al-Qaeda to the war in Iraq, I watched this all from French shores.

I left Paris, and then I returned, and then I left again only to return shortly thereafter. I can never stay far from this city for too long.

This last time that I have come is the time I'm trying to make a change in my life. I've chosen this place because it's near to and far from the things that are important to me. It helps move things into perspective whilst also bringing them closer into my reach.

I have no reason to love this city as much as I do. It has brought as much heartache as smiles, tears as laughs, good dreams and nightmares.

But that does not change the fact that I keep coming back for more.

Chapter 4 - How to make it through the rain

Much like the weather of London, it is often overcast, gray, and drizzling in Paris. It brings with it the kind of cold that seeps underneath your warmest thermal that you're wearing under your warmest wool. Brr.

But there is a sun out there, and sometimes when it hits the clouds from overhead at just that right angle, the clouds traverse the specrum and move from a cool shade of blue to a warm shade of red, and the whole sky acts like a red silk thrown over a lampshade and the city is then lit with a faint shade of rose colored glasses.

When the sky turns pink, everything seems to just feel better.

This return to Paris is a strange one. It's not as I expected it to be, and herein lies my downfall. I had expectations. I never should have returned with expectations.

Paris is a city of randomness, and within its folds lays the synchronicity of it all. To try to impose any sort of strict guideline to life here would be to dig your own grave. Paris is not what you expect of it; it is about what it expects of you.

So I must make my way through the rain and life, and all I have is my umbrella, two suitcases, and, well, and myself.

I suppose things could be worse.

Chapter 3 - Not used to this

I fall in love easily.

I like to fall in love, it comes easily for me. If I find a man who manages to maintain my interest (and attraction) for at least a week, I'm all his. Never have I hesitated in the face of possibility, never, except for today.

I have a dear friend who agreed to marry me. Shortly thereafter we fell into each other's arms, and deeper into each other's lives. I left him for two weeks to go home. Upon my return it seems that things have changed.

In me, I have fallen for him, even though I swore I wouldn't. The two weeks spent at home were also spent thinking of him. I didn't mean to; it just sort of happened that way.

We are back under the same roof again and all I want to do is reach out, touch him, hold him, kiss him, and I do nothing of the sort. I sit there in awkward silence, and I hate it. I hate this feeling of being terrified to feel.

I tell myself to stop thinking, and just let the days roll out - go day by day.

Right now, this is all so confusing to me. I hope that in time the pieces will start falling into place...

Chapter 2 - Hello Again

I come from here. It is a place I know, a place I trust, a place where j'ai vecu...

I have spent time away over the years, but I always return. Even if for just one night.

Paris has always been a welcoming city to me, with her latenight conversations, affordable bottles of wine, a sparkling Eiffel Tower, and many many good friends.

But today she feels like a stranger, which makes me a stranger in a strange land.

I do not know how to maneuver myself through this.

Chapter 1 - Home Sweet Home

I sit on my couch and exhale smoke in the direction of the glass doors leading out onto the balcony of my Parisian apartment. Not Parisian for any other reason than the fact that it's located in Paris.

There is no antique unusable fireplace, no double-paned windows, no moulding decorating the ceilings. Instead there is a large kitchen and African statues. There are many books and not enough bookshelves. There is a cold front pushing through and Paris is on the verge of winter.

I have returned to this city in search of my future.

Introduction

I have never been able to stay in one place for very long.

This is my curse.

This is my blessing.